• douglasrosenau

The Destructive Practice of Meeting Non-Erotic Needs Erotically---Nonsexual Needs Sexually

Each person has a legitimate need for adventure and excitement, to be hugged/touched, receive comfort, be affirmed as sexy and special, and feel deeply valued. These are not erotic, sexual needs. Healthy people must find godly ways to meet these pressing needs through appropriate non-sexual means---or everything gets messed up. Single adults especially can struggle with these needs.

After John’s mother died, he simply wanted a woman to hold and comfort him. Not having close female friends, he decided the only way to accomplish this was to find a woman and become sexually involved. Megan felt unattractive and unappreciated. Sex with guys was her way to feel lovely and desired. She presently was having an affair with a married man at her work. Andy was bored and created his own little adventures with porn. It is so easy for humans to fall into the trap of meeting nonsexual needs sexually.

God’s Antidote

Learn healthy ways of giving and receiving non-erotic physical affection within friendships. In singles’ workshops, I often teach single adults to enjoy healthy touch through the use of conga lines and shoulder rubs. We practice hugging in ways that feel safe and comfortable for both genders. Christian brothers and sisters can give verbal compliments and help each other feel special. I sometimes wonder what happened to holy hugs and kisses that characterized the early church.

“Greet one another with a holy kiss.” Romans 16:16 (NIV)

“Holy embraces all around!” Romans 16:16 (MSG)

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.” I Thessalonians 5:11

A person’s nonsexual needs can be met in non-erotic ways, but it takes creativity, skill-building, and encouragement within your community. You can’t live out sexual wholeness without brothers and sisters to help you meet those nonsexual needs non-sexually.


About the Author

Dr. Doug is a psychologist, pastor, LMFT and sex therapist who has listened to over 55,000 hours of stories.

Doug enjoys using this practical wisdom in writing (best seller: A Celebration of Sex), teaching, and mentoring.

Get Connected with Dr. Doug by visiting his website,

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